Joy

I attended an Asian Women's Conference on Saturday that made me step back and reflect on all the chaos that has been my life for the past month or so. Life has been so hectic; for a moment, a couple of weeks ago, I thought that I had figured out the problem and that a weekend retreat would refill my tank. But I was so completely oblivious that that was really just the beginning of it all. After that post, work deadlines came up, extra tasks were required, gapping holes in my work were exposed and (moderately good) reviews were given. Bible study began. When considering this additional commitments to my schedule, I was forced to think about the eternal impact - if I said no, what is the impact that this will have on eternity? Adding Bible study took up another weekday evening but when I considered why the Bible study was required, I couldn't say no (I prayed that God would take care of my sanity). And then Mina came along and that just tipped everything over again. Taking care of a puppy is hard work. The first week I thought, this will just be temporary until hmma's roommate gets back from vacation. but even with the extra set of hands to help care of Mina, she's still quite a bit of work. So I took the day off on Saturday and attended this conference not really sure what to expect. Here are my main takeaway points:

The very thing that brings me joy (being hospitable, generous with the things I have been given, serving others, offering my help and time, opening my home for ministry purposes) also sapped the joy out of my life. A woman at the conference told me that when this happens, it is usually because I have lost sight of why it is I am doing the things I am doing. I have succumbed to expectations and the things that I usually offer joyfully, I am now doing out of obligation. When I used to open my home up joyfully and willingly, I was now tired that I would have to exert energy to clean up afterwards but I agreed to do it because there was an expectation from the past that i enjoyed doing it. As the keynote speaker was sharing about some of the troubles that entered her life all at the same time, she said that she forgot why she prayed for children, or why she married her husband, or why she had bought a home, or why she loved serving in ministry. I felt that hit a nerve with me. I had also forgotten why I prayed for a permanent home in Seattle, why I prayed for a housemate, why I enjoy opening my home to ministry needs, why I enjoy cooking for others, why I love to work with children. It is so easy to lose focus on my first love (Jesus) and the reason for why i am doing all this in the first place. Hmma always reminds me that I need to learn how to say no to certain things when life gets too busy or else I will continually come back to this place of nearly breaking down and becoming so frustated and upset with life.

The keynote speaker spoke on the story of Mary and Martha in Luke. Another thing that she said that hit a nerve with me is that this story goes beyond just biological sisters and extends to the relationships we have with our sisters in Christ. I have usually and most often thought of this story in terms of my two sisters - how when it comes to me and my younger sister, I am the Martha and she is the (ultimate) Mary and when it comes to me and my older sister, she is the Martha and I am the (somewhat) Mary. But the speaker reminded me that this story also extends to our relatoinships with our sisters in the church. When life gets so busy, I start to point fingers and ask the Martha question "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" I start to think that my other sisters are not pulling their weight and that I'm holding all the responsibilities. i become so distracted to what is really important.

i hope to bring the joy back into my life but it will mean that taking care of myself and my relatoinship with christ will need to take priority somewhere in my daily hectic schedule. the week looks crazy busy again and it will probably be like this for another month or so but I will make an effort to refocus and reprioritize my time. will keep posting how that goes....