I am nothing

Work has been overwhelming hard and the personal struggle quite intense. Since my change in role and responsibilities, I am left seriously wondering if what I asked for was more than I could handle. I feel like quitting some mornings when I wake up and realize I have a long list of tasks to accomplish and this list never seems to grow shorter. it has only been a few weeks -- may be a month. I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. i feel hopeless. I also feel this intense pressure to perform well and to give 200% to this role because I am now, in a way, responsible for other people's careers. I began to feel like i had POWER and CONTROL and that through these new powers, i could not let my people down.

In His great mercy, God is teaching me about humility. I have been praying for a humble heart this year in preparation for marriage. I wrote this prayer out, this request for humility, everyday before getting married. I fully acknowledged that marriage would not be easy and that personally, my greatest challenge would be to be humble and to respect my husband. God has definitely been teaching me through my relationship with Hmma but has also decided to give me a double portion by placing me in a role that clearly and firmly requires me to be humble about myself and my own strength and ability to get the job done and to do it well. Do i trust in God's hand and control over all things in my life? If i fall short at work, can I trust that God can still use the best that I gave to fulfill his purpose for the people who are on my team?

I mentioned The Heavenly Man in my previous post and near the end of the book, there is a section that firmly spoke to me this weekend as I have been wrestling with work and trying to trust in my own ability and strengths to be not only a good manager but a great one:

"We are absolutely nothing. We have nothing to be proud about. We have no abilities and nothing to offer God. The fact that he chooses to use us is only due to His grace. It has nothing to do with us. If God should choose to raise up others for his purpose and never use us again we would have nothing to complain about."
-Brother Yun to his wife, Deling