Moving forward...

The exercise and homework for this week was to write up my lifestory. It sounds like a fairly simple exercise. Include details of your family background, your upbringing, major achievements, and anything else that may have shaped you into who you are today. Well, I wasn't really looking forward to this. The fact is that when I think about my life, while there are many achievements and successes that could be celebrated, my focus tends to be on the areas that have been clouded over with the loss of loved ones mixed with a series of sinful choices and poor judgement resulting in a overwhelming and toxic mixture of grief, sorrow and shame. Sadly, I feel like I have been shaped more by my negative experiences than the positive ones. And when i was asked to document this and share this with other people, I hesitated. I have kept most of these memories hidden away in a back closet for a really long time. I'd rather not remember them after all. But after speaking with Hmma about my thoughts and feelings, he said something that made me really rethink my attitude towards my past.

You have to consider your worst mistakes as part of the victories in making you who you are today.

I'm hoping I remembered that sentence correctly! :) Would I be the same person I am today if i had not gone through that difficult season of life? Would I be able to appreciate the mountains if I had never experienced the valley? Is it really possible to view my worst mistakes as a victory? The fact is that everyone is a sinner. Very often, if not all the time, I consider myself like Paul - the worst of sinners. At times when I find myself judging others and forming critical opinions of others in my mind, I am quick to remind myself that I am a far worse sinner and am in no position to place judgement.

A friend the other day was sharing a thought and observation about how Christians behave. We seem to pretend that we are all sin-free people. While Christians believe that Christ came to die for our sins and through him, we can have a relationship with God, we have an attitude of being better than our non-Christian counterparts. Our testimonies are often saint-like, blemish free and perfect; it is difficult for a non-Christian to relate to or understand. My testimony is far from saint-like and is absolutely not blemish free. But when my friend shared her observation about how Christians behave, was I suddenly open and willing to share with her my own tainted testimony? Nope. I wasn't. And why not? Couldn't God use my lifestory to help others like my friend to see His glory in my life? To see that God does save and change lives? My pride got in the way. My reputation was on the line. But what's the point of having a good taint-free reputation if it does not bring others to know Christ? I realize here and now that I place more value in what people think of me than furthering God's kingdom here on earth.

Maybe Hmma is right. Maybe my worst mistakes have shaped me to be the person I am today - hopefully a better person today. I would like to add to Hmma's statement to say that if I continue to think of my sinful past as shameful and embarassing then that is the power it holds and will continue to hold on me so long as my thinking stays the same. If my thinking is always geared towards shame and negativity when i think and reflect on my past, then I will remain captive by that sin and those memories. Can I change my attitude to release the power that sin has over me so that it can be used instead for God's goodness?

I am thankful for the abundance of His unconditional love and forgiveness in my life that I can be granted a second chance. I give praise to God that the mistakes in my past do not govern my actions of today or the future.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-- Romans 8:38-39

PS. I realize i haven't shared the details of my testimony. If you are curious to hear it, please email me and we'll set up a time to chat over coffee and maybe some yummy chocolate cake ;)