God, Give me an answer … NOW!

Psalm 115: 3
Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.

Sometimes I forget to stop and think. I forget how small I am and exactly how big God is. There has been a time in my past, and sometimes it happens even today, where I get really bogged down with questions that I want – no, demand – answers to.

Why am I on this earth?
Why is work so difficult? Why am I in Seattle?
Why does life have to be this way?
Why do people get sick?
Why are people suffering?
Why did my brother die of cancer?
Why did my brother even get cancer?

My faith once hinged on these last two questions. I used to struggle with the fact that the bible tells me that “God is good”. He is? Really? All the time? Or just sometimes? Why would he allow such suffering to happen? My faith used to be contingent on whether God could provide me with a good enough answer to those questions. A few years ago, I decided to be the bigger person and renew my faith in God. My questions were still unanswered and God left me wondering about a lot of things.

Why did these things happen to me?
Why did they have to happen to my family?

But when I thought about these open questions with no answer, I told myself that I would make a conscious decision to still have faith. And I confess that most of the time, up until recently, I felt like I had forgiven God for allowing this to happen to me without providing an explanation. I even went as far as to tell myself, I forgive him but one day when I get to heaven, I’ll put him on the spot and ask him then for an answer.

Psalm 115:3 tells me that God is in heaven and he does whatever he pleases. This verse puts me in my place and reminds me that God is God and he doesn’t need to explain himself to me. If I didn’t get the answers to my questions, can I still worship a God who isn’t obligated to explain himself to me? And if I cannot or I find myself hesitating, is it possible that my own arrogance makes me think that God owes me an explanation? Can I finally repent of my pride and arrogance, bring myself to a place of humility and let go of these unanswered questions? Can i fully understand that I cannot demand these answers from God just because he doesn’t owe me an explanation? And if I stood before him one day in heaven and I had the balls to even bring it up, if he replied “Because I wanted to” - could I accept this response and still worship Him afterward as a good and just and loving God?

I’ve realized that the truth is that God has more right to ask me questions than I do of Him. I wonder what some of the questions are that God would have for me:
Why don’t you trust me?
Why don’t you learn?
Why don’t you obey?
If you love me, why do you do the things you do?

So this year, I leave the questions I have at the foot of the cross, understanding that God is GOD who doesn’t owe me any explanation as to why things have happened the way they have.

~In memory of Steven.